Faking It #1: Izguh

A teen tells me she’s done something sexual recently.  I say, “I don’t want details, but how was that for you?”  (I’m a therapist…I ask those kinds of things.)

There used to be all sorts of answers to that question, but now there’s mostly just one.

“Izguh.”

Izguh is really three words slurred together.  The words are It, was, and good.  It is said with bored faces.

Huh.  Izguh?

Good sexual experiences make people smile…sometimes shyly, sometimes big, but that smile is always real and adorable, because we just did something very pleasurable and intimate with someone.

Izguh…not so much.

A bored “Izguh” is the correct answer for things we must fake.  “How was that day-long math test you took today?” “Izguh.” “How did you like the Jell-O salad with raisins I left you for lunch?” “Izguh.” “How did you like that sweater Auntie Jane knitted for you?”  “Izguh.”

The words “It was good…”  do not describe fast, disconnected, disappointing and sometimes painful sexual experiences, but Izguh is the perfect word for consensual sex that is so bad it is experienced by the body as assaultive.

I’m not talking about clear sexual assault where someone has said “No,” in the many ways we say “No,” and that “No” was not honored.  That is sexual assault….no question.

But now that porn has mis-educated us about what is good and fun sexually, teens often get into bad sexual situations and go forward willingly, during which they mimic the sexuality they see in series, movies and internet porn.

They try to live out one of the lies of porn…the one that says girls are up for anything, everything, all the time.

They don’t listen to their bodies saying, “Um…I am so not ready for this,” “I don’t think I like this guy,” “This scares me,” and “This hurts.”

They go forward when they want to leave.  They smile and say the sexy things they’ve heard said by sexy movie stars…porn stars.

So, they fake it.  They fake it to their partner.  They fake to themselves.  They fake how guh is was.

There are consequences for Izguh.  Not only do we miss out on the pleasure and intimacy in sexuality, but we also have difficulty focusing on studies, increased depression and anxiety, and more and bigger conflicts with others.

The quickest, easiest way out of Izguh sexuality is to start naming it…to ourselves…to our friends…to the peoplewe may want to date.

When I hear “Izguh” after I have asked a girl about a sexual experience.  I always pause, then ask, “Really?”  And then they begin to talk…and talk.  That simple act of acknowledging their faking enjoyment during bad sexual experiences is powerful.  It is where healing and empowering begin.

No Comments

Leave a Comment

Enjoy this blog? Please spread the word :)